


Light Up My Life

by orchidmantis



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (2017), Death Note (Anime & Manga), Death Note (Movies)
Genre: No Dialogue, No Plot/Plotless, Self-Harm, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 10:08:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12056754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orchidmantis/pseuds/orchidmantis
Summary: Light thinks about Mia and just tries to live his life. Tw for self harm





	Light Up My Life

**Author's Note:**

> Um hi, this is my first fic and its based off the 2017 movie, I know no one really liked it but i was drawn to Light Turner for some odd reason. And now I seem to be projecting on him quite a bit. Tw for graphic scenes of self harm/cutting. 
> 
> (Light already has feelings for Mia and isn't really in character lol)

He was painfully aware of how much of a creep he looked like. He knew his eyes had bags and his skin was sallow and patchy. Light knew he looked like someone people assumed would shoot up a school one day. The thought of that had crossed his mind a few times, mostly when he was getting his face smashed in by some asshole who had too many fists and not much sense. When he actually thought about it, he realized that killing a bunch of people who probably didn't deserve death would make him even worse than the people he hated. There was so much pain in the world already and truthfully, he didn't want to add to it. Light wondered if he could handle all that blood. Not that he couldn't handle blood from minor things, blood itself didn't scare him, but enough blood splattered on the ground could make anyone sick.

Light tried to clear his thoughts and focused on finishing a calculus paper he was working on. It wasn't his paper, but that doesn't mean he could just clobber it together. He wanted it to be right. He looked up and saw the cheerleaders were practicing, he hadn't even noticed that they had came outside. He tried not to stare, but he had his eyes stuck on someone in particular.

She had a lit cigarette in her hand and her facial expression screamed "I don't want to be here". Light was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. He had chosen the place he sat because he knew he could see her better. He did this consistently throughout the school year. After school, he would take a seat on the second outdoor table to the left, work on his homework and wait, wait to see Mia. She was easily spotted in the small crowd of cheerleaders. She didn't look like a cheerleader and he wondered why she did it. Perhaps her parents had forced her and they couldn't accept what kind of person their daughter turned out to be. Light always thought most parents acted like that. His dad certainly did.

Light closed his book and allowed himself to be indulgent. He watched Mia stand at the top of a pyramid made of teenage girls, she threw her cigarette half-heartedly and it almost hit a girl on the bottom of the structure. Light smiled faintly at that. To him, this stormy girl could do nothing wrong.

 

Some time later, the girls ran back into the school building, having finished practice for the day. Light wanted to see more of Mia, but every time he got close to her and even considered talking, he froze. Light couldn't find the words that he thought would make her love him, so he kept silent. He knew he could probably never get to be with Mia, and that made his chest hurt, no matter how much he tried to ignore it. Light shoved his books into his backpack, get off the table and started trekking his way home. His mind raced.

 

Light tried to keep up an image of a stone-faced loner. He attempted to be the type of guy who let everything slide, but the people close to him knew that was just a false idea. Inside himself was a sometimes uncontrollable wave of emotions, emotions Light himself had a hard time describing. Grief, fear, self-hatred, anger, and pity would form a huge wrecking ball of pain that seemed to hit him randomly. Light knew for a fact that it tied to his mother's death. Her murder had traumatized him in multiple ways that he never really dealt with in a healthy manner.

 

But Mia also seemed to start that fire inside him even though she really had nothing to do with it. He was glad she existed, but he felt grief for the future they would never have together. What kind of future was Light imagining anyway? He had no goddamn idea. What kind of future did Mia want? Maybe he would know if he stopped being such a pussy and actually talked to her.

 

As he approached his house, Light thought about how worthless he really was. He couldn't save his mother and he couldn't get justice for her either. He couldn't do anything. He couldn't even say a word to the girl he had feelings for. Light knew that when his dad looked at him, he didn't see a person he liked. His dad only thought of him as a liar, a cheating asshole, a loser, and worst of all, a mistake.

 

Light walked into the house and threw his bag on the couch roughly. His bones felt hot and his blood felt as if it was acid burning through his skin. That wrecking ball had hit him hard and now he was left to deal with the scouring pain it left. His dad wouldn't be home for a couple hours, so he had time to do the only thing that relieved this feeling.

 

He made his way to his room and took a seat on his desk chair. He turned the desk lamp on as he opened the desk drawer and feverishly dug to the bottom of it. Making his way through the irrelevant papers, he found what he was looking for. It was a small sandwich bag that contained 2 straight razors, a scalpel and a box cutter.

 

Light lifted up his sleeves to reveal his bare arm, it was covered in scars and semi-fresh cuts. He forgot how many there were and he had stopped counting a long time ago. He took one of the two razors and slashed hard on a relatively unscathed part of his arm. The blood trickled out at the same time the pain set in.

 

Light breathed heavily and felt relief. All the intense emotions he had running through him dulled and the only thing that mattered was the blood forming a pool on his desk. Sadly, the relief quickly subsided and he took another slash at his arm. The second cut hurt much more, and that's exactly what Light wanted. There was also much more blood. The thin, warm liquid trickled down his arm.

 

Light took a moment to look at his arm, he had made the two cuts in an unintentional upside down V shape. It also looked like a partial M. That reminded him of Mia. He smiled faintly at the thought of her. She would probably think Light was really pathetic if she saw him like this. Or perhaps this was the kind of thing she would be into if she saw him do it. Who knows.

 

He had an idea and an strong urge to cut again. He carved two more lines into his arm, completing the M. Why stop there? He thought to himself in almost manic glee. He might as well go all in.

 

Before he knew it, he had cut a uppercase I and A into his arm. The amount of blood on his desk was much more than he'd ever seen before. He felt lightheaded, but he also felt happy. He looked at his arm under his desk lamp, that bloodily read "MIA". Light knew he had crossed a line this time and that he might have to have stitches if it didn't stop bleeding. Light also was aware of how fucking weird it was. He had gone from "kinda weird" to "straight up crazy". He didn't care.

 

Most importantly, Light felt as if he now had a small piece of her in a strange way. Like a crude tattoo, he knew it would probably scar and stick around for a long time. That made him smile.

 

After a while, that shallow happiness wear off and he realized his dad would be home soon. He cleaned the blood off of his razor with some tissue he had laying on the desk and placed it back into the bag. He shoved the small bag back into the bottom of the drawer and closed it. Light took another hand full of tissues and soaked up the blood on his desk.

 

The cleanup was always the shameful part. He felt sadness when he was cleaning up the seemingly endless blood. This wasn't what his mom would want for him. It cemented the idea that he was even more of a failure.

 

But when he looked on his arm and saw Mia's name, he felt reassured. As if things would be okay one day.


End file.
